Assertiveness is probably my lowest emotional intelligence. I tend towards the more reticent side of the scale. It’s actually kind of a sore point for me, as it’s very frustrating for me how difficult it is for me to be assertive. In those occasions where I do have to assert myself, I usually feel better for having handled the situation, but I feel shaky and upset after, and it is never an enjoyable experience. As I was deciding on a career path, my lack of assertiveness was actually one of the main deterrents that made me a little afraid of becoming a teacher. It is also one of the reasons I finally made the leap and decided to become a teacher, because it will force me to build up my assertiveness skills. I am deathly afraid of conflict – really any situation that will cause me to have to rock the boat or possibly cause someone to be upset with me. I think a lot of it comes from fear, but I also think I was raised by a mother who is very much not an assertive person, and I think it just rubbed off. On a fairly personal note, I also think that having a very overbearing stepfather who was somewhat mentally abusive to me may have conditioned me to just really want to stay away from any kind of conflict – the confrontations we had rarely included any kind of respectful balanced discourse.
Unfortunately, there are numerous occasions in my life where I look back and wish I had been more assertive. Usually, I am able to come up with the best way to handle the situation or the right words to say, after the situation has already occurred or the moment has already passed. My brain just can’t find the right way to deal with the uncomfortable situation or conflict at the time it’s occurring. I think my brain just sort of shuts off. No matter the situation, it could be the smallest conflict, my brain sees it as a confrontation. I expect the worst case scenario to happen. For example, I need to talk to a friend about an angry/uncomfortable text or email they sent, and I expect the situation to blow up and for them to just end our friendship. Most of the time, though, it doesn’t go this way; It ends up being a great conversation, the problem gets solved, and all is well. I try to remind myself of that when I get nervous about having to be assertive, but every time I still seem to get scared by the situation. It has gotten better the older I’ve gotten, and as I’ve gotten more confident in myself, but it’s still something I deal with constantly.
I think, for me, the key to fixing this assertiveness problem I have, especially when it comes to situations with my future students, is just finding my own style that solves the conflict without it feeling like a confrontation or conflict. A situation in my internship last week helped me to realize this. My mentor teacher left the room briefly, to deal with something in the library, and I was left alone with his Freshman who were supposed to be finishing up this Grammar worksheet I gave them (on a side note: I am doing this whole Grammar unit with my mentor teacher’s low-level Freshmen English Essentials students). They were all pretty much finished with the worksheet when he left, so they started to talk amongst each other. I was fine with this, until one of the kids decided to put his head down and nap, two of the other kids (twin brothers, mind you) decided it was a good idea to chuck a pencil and eraser at the sleeping kid, and another handful of kids started talking about comparing bra sizes. I was freaking out inside because I knew I couldn’t handle yelling at them or being mean in any kind of way, but I needed control back. So I got up in front of the classroom and said, “Hey, I have a question? Don’t worry, it’s a fun question” very loudly. It took a second for all of them to stop talking, and one of their fellow classmates helped me out, by saying, “Hey, be quiet!,” but they finally did quiet down and they all put their attention on me. I just asked them to name some of their favorite bands (I’m a huge music fan and was honestly curious). It was the right topic to pick because we started to discuss music, I had them focused on me and the discussion, and all the misbehavior disappeared. By the time my mentor teacher returned, I had full control of a classroom whose students were focused on me. And I felt only mildly shaky afterwards. J My mentor teacher and I discussed this after class, and he thought I’d done a good job with the situation. I admitted to him that the whole assertiveness side of teaching really freaks me out, and he told me he thinks my style is kindness and caring, and there is nothing wrong with that.
So for me, really, I just need to find that balance between being able to keep my kind, caring self, but also not allowing myself to be walked all over. And believe that is a constant struggle I will always have, but it’s something I want to work on.
I think I will probably blog more on this particular Emotional Intelligence since I obviously feel somewhat strongly about it, and it’s something I want to work on throughout the rest of the semester in my internship.
