Monday, December 13, 2010
Final Thoughts
Give me an A!
I’m pretty much a type-A person – at least when it comes to work and school related tasks. I can actually be quite laid back during my free time or relaxation time. But when it comes to tasks that I must complete, I am high-stress, highly-detailed, and highly-motivated. Being type-A can be quite an asset at times – my supervisor has lauded me repeatedly for my attention to detail and my information retention. These skills help me all the time in the working world and I know they will help me when I am a teacher as well. However, being type-A can be a liability for me as well – I get really stressed out and it can affect me in very negative ways. I get crabby, I get sick, I have a hard time focusing. Stress can help me hone in on important details, but it can also drive me crazy. I tend to be a stressed person, and it’s very frustrating and exhausting. Thankfully, though, I tend to get over things quickly. I’m a very verbal person, and if I can just talk it out or vent to someone about the thing that is stressing me, then I can get over it. I’m really only stressed in the moment – but a lot of these moments can build up to just wear me out. Incidentally, my interpersonal relationships can be both the cure for and source of a lot of my stress. Because I am an extrovert, I am powered up by other people – and I find solace in others’ company and advice. I like bouncing ideas off of other people, and I just like talking it all out. But I also get worn down worrying about what other people think and stressing about their opinions of me. That is the bad part about being an extrovert. I would say a large part of the stress in my life is worrying about other people. I do it to myself. I need to let go and just trust that other people can figure things out themselves, and I need to remember that not everyone will get me and not everyone will like me. As I get older, I am getting much better at this, but it is still a daily struggle. I really love being a people person and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I just need to find a way to balance that with taking care of myself too.
Regarding myself
I have a weird relationship with myself. One day I think I’m just super awesome, kick-butt, amazing, and that I deserve all the best in life. The next day I’m certain that no one likes me, I’m terrible, and I’ll never do anything right. I guess we all have our up days and our down days, but I think I get like this because I just can’t seem to figure myself out. I’m not always sure what I want, and I’m not always sure I’m doing the right things to get what I want. This is never clearer when I think about what I want in a potential partner and how to go about getting into the dating world. I know you were in class that day I was talking with Brandyn and Trent about online dating and how they met their wives. I’ve been seriously considering online dating for awhile now (PS this post has nothing to do with teaching, obviously). My two best friends have been encouraging me to do this. They’ve even gone so far as to offer to buy me a month’s subscription to Match.com or some such website, as a Christmas present, to encourage me to do this. So this has been a topic of discussion. At one point, I was talking about how I was worried I would never find someone who was good enough for me, who would get me, who would be able to put up with how strange I am (and appreciate my weirdness). Then another day I was lamenting the fact that I didn’t really deserve anybody and there was no one I was good enough for. My friend Monica threw up her hands and exasperatedly sighed, “Make up your mind, woman! One day there’s no one good enough for you and the next day you are awful and no one will want you!” She was bringing up a key point about me and my own self-regard: I just can’t seem to make up my mind about myself, and my confidence wavers from super over self-confidence to complete self-deprecation. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. I think this is because for a good portion of my life, my self-esteem was for shit, and as I’m getting older I’m finally feeling more confident in myself and coming to appreciate all the quirky awesome things that make me who I am – but sometimes I just revert back to that silly little girl who had no self-confidence. I’m working on it, and I think that at my core, I do regard myself highly – it’s just easy to slip back into that low self-confidence.
Actually?
Well, obviously, the hard part about all of this is actualizing all of it – becoming what you want to be and being your best. I have certain core values that guide me in my life, most specifically empathy, altruism, doing the right thing, being non-judgmental and open-minded, and honing my intelligence to help other people. These values are pretty much why I’ve decided to become a teacher – I always saw myself doing something that serves other people and helps others to reach their best self. I’m a fairly intelligent person – I’ve always been self-motivated, I always liked school, I care about things, and try to make sure I understand all sides of various topics and viewpoints. I feel like I was given this intelligence for a reason. I feel like I’m meant to use it to help other people and make some kind of difference in this crazy world. But the question is and has always been: what the heck am I supposed to do to achieve this? What career choice or goal will allow me to help people, make a difference, and use my intelligence in a constructive important way? I considered law school for awhile – some kind of law that helps people and that would cause me to be drastically poor but incredibly happy. I considered something to do with politics. I considered going into the non-profit field (incidentally, my first job after college was a non-profit company that helped people gather information on their elected officials to make an informed vote (http://www.votesmart.org). Finally, after a couple of years of just working at some normal, terrible corporate job, I realized the right place for me would be education. I want to parlay my passion for English literature (and the topics and discussions that literature can bring about) into something that helps kids to find their own passions and find their own way to give a damn about something. I want to help kids see that they don’t have to just work for money – they can expect more of their lives and more of themselves. This is what would really allow me to feel like I made some kind of difference to somebody, and know that I helped someone in my life. Self-actualization for me is the day when I realize I’ve done that and the day that all of these crazy mixed up things in my head make sense and come to fruition in the form of at least one student who has their own “A HA” moment. Maybe then I will know I “actually” succeeded at my goals.