Let's do the Time Warp.

"It's just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right, put your hands on your hips..."

Wait no, I'm not talking about a fun dance performed by a sweet transvestite and his minions. I'm talking about how time works, well, differently, when you are a teacher. That's the only way to explain why a Power Point I spent HOURS creating only takes one hour to present. Or how 5 minutes until the bell rings feels like 20 when you've run out of things to teach, but feels like 5 seconds when you still have too much to teach. It feels like I'm in a time warp, nothing takes the amount of time I think it will, and I've lost all sense of what time means anymore. It's forcing me to get creative, especially when I have too much time leftover - I give them reading time, or I try to think of an interesting discussion topic, anything so they don't know that I am freaking out inside. My mentor teacher likes to give them time to just relax and talk, and I've come to find that can be useful. I especially like to use it at the end of class, maybe 3-5 minutes, and I present it as a reward for their good behavior during quiet reading time or during independent work time during the lesson. I say something like, "You were really good today" or "You had some good discussions" today, "So you can have some time to chat and relax." But then of course if you are running out of time for the lesson, those few minutes are so precious. Like I said, time is a weird ever-changing thing when you're a teacher. That's life in a vacuum.

To go back to Time Warp, the song, I will say these lyrics hold true to the teaching career:

"It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll."

I'm mainly enjoying myself and I think I'm doing a good job, but I constantly feel a bit panicked and on the verge of insanity. I feel guilty for doing anything fun and I know that if I have any free time, I should be planning or grading essays. I tend to shut down when I get panicked or stressed, and that puts me further behind. I'm trying to calm down, but I'm not comfortable enough with it all yet. So madness is definitely taking its toll. I dream strange dreams every night and just can't seem to turn my brain off. Ah, the crazy life of a teacher.

Also, I would like to give myself props for somehow relating Rocky Horror Show and teaching. I can always fall back on a musical to help me out :D

Dun, dun, dun, dun.... ESSAY GRADING!

Apparently, essay grading is worse than being chased by a shark in the middle of the ocean. Apparently, it is the demon spawn of all that is unholy and it will eat my life and I will be sucked into a vortex of bad grammar and word vomit and death and carnage. Or at least that's how my mentor teacher is making it sound.

This week, our unit on Tartuffe is coming to an end, and I’m starting to feel a sense of the overwhelming nature of ending one unit and starting another. I am doing the unit on A Tale of Two Cities on my own, and trying to figure out how to do it is freaking me out a little bit. On top of that, I am about to have essays to grade: On Friday (continuing on Monday for our third group), we had our first big exam with the sophomores, their test on Tartuffe. The test included an essay portion (done in class). This will be my first real experience grading essays – about 100 essays, no less. My mentor teacher has been pretty much putting “the fear of God” into me about how terrible and time-consuming essay grading is, on top of starting a new unit and everything else I have to do. I’m pretty nervous about it as well because this will be the first time that my essay grading will really matter and count (I helped mentor teachers in my internships, etc. but didn't do the full experience). I’m nervous because I know how Mr. M grades (he’s tough, and he’s smart), and I’m worried I won’t be tough enough or won’t measure up. We are figuring out the best way to have me do this – what we decided on is that he would grade one batch this past weekend, and tomorrow we will look over and discuss the ones he graded, and I will grade the rest on my own using his as examples. I am still nervous but at least I have support and I will figure it out.

And I haven't yet had any nightmares about demon essays chasing me down endless halls of devastating gloom and sadness. But there's still time yet.

Kids are germ disseminators

... and I have a terrible immune system. Got my first case of the "I'm a teacher and around kids all day" sickness - I've been out of commission the last two days. Blergh. I felt terrible missing school, but my mentor teacher insisted that I stay home. I just know that when I'm an actual teacher, it won't be that easy so I don't want to be spoiled now. But I guess it's better than getting my teacher and all the students sick. I thought this only happened to elementary school teachers, but I guess high school students don't always wash their hands either. And besides that fact, I'm stuck in a dank, freezing cold room day after day. Our room doesn't even have windows - it's seriously like Gollum's cave. When I leave the classroom and go into the bright sunlight, it's like I've entered another world. I'm pretty sure my mentor teacher likes it that way. PS I would like to point out that being a student teacher is thus far the weirdest experience of my life. Weird in a good way, but weird nonetheless. There's a huge difference between being a teacher and being a student, and it really requires a complete change in the way you think. It's sort of hard to describe, but I'm still at a place where it's a little uncomfortable but the switch in my brain is starting to flip.

Student Teaching!

We're already in week three of student teaching, and I can't believe it! I think I'm going to try to restart this blog and use it as a vehicle for reflection/venting/etc during my student teaching experience. And let me tell you... I can already tell it is going to be quite an experience! The first thing to note is that I'm completing my student teaching with my favorite English teacher from high school - he was my teacher for gifted English during my Sophomore year, and I also took College Prep English with him my Senior year (I also TAed for him my Senior year). We will call him Mr. M for purposes of this blog. I was floored/super-excited when he agreed to let me student teach with him - it's like your favorite actor agreeing to apprentice you, or your favorite sports start agreeing to take you under their wing. He's quite a character - it's very different being his colleague vs. being his student. We seem to have very complementary personalities though, and I know I am going to learn a lot from him. So far so good.

Final Thoughts

I have enjoyed learning about the emotional intelligences, and I think I would like to spend some more time studying them and learning to hone each one to make me a better person and a better teacher. I think blogging is a good way to delve into things like this, even if you just make it private and never share with anyone else. The therapeutic benefits of writing are actually quite amazing. I have a Live Journal I've used in the past (check it out Lmspence.livejournal.com), and I actually have some ideas for other blogs to write (I would love to write a food/restaurant blog!). What a great invention! I may continue to use this one as well. I don't think you can ever have too many blogs.

Give me an A!

I’m pretty much a type-A person – at least when it comes to work and school related tasks. I can actually be quite laid back during my free time or relaxation time. But when it comes to tasks that I must complete, I am high-stress, highly-detailed, and highly-motivated. Being type-A can be quite an asset at times – my supervisor has lauded me repeatedly for my attention to detail and my information retention. These skills help me all the time in the working world and I know they will help me when I am a teacher as well. However, being type-A can be a liability for me as well – I get really stressed out and it can affect me in very negative ways. I get crabby, I get sick, I have a hard time focusing. Stress can help me hone in on important details, but it can also drive me crazy. I tend to be a stressed person, and it’s very frustrating and exhausting. Thankfully, though, I tend to get over things quickly. I’m a very verbal person, and if I can just talk it out or vent to someone about the thing that is stressing me, then I can get over it. I’m really only stressed in the moment – but a lot of these moments can build up to just wear me out. Incidentally, my interpersonal relationships can be both the cure for and source of a lot of my stress. Because I am an extrovert, I am powered up by other people – and I find solace in others’ company and advice. I like bouncing ideas off of other people, and I just like talking it all out. But I also get worn down worrying about what other people think and stressing about their opinions of me. That is the bad part about being an extrovert. I would say a large part of the stress in my life is worrying about other people. I do it to myself. I need to let go and just trust that other people can figure things out themselves, and I need to remember that not everyone will get me and not everyone will like me. As I get older, I am getting much better at this, but it is still a daily struggle. I really love being a people person and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I just need to find a way to balance that with taking care of myself too.

Regarding myself

I have a weird relationship with myself. One day I think I’m just super awesome, kick-butt, amazing, and that I deserve all the best in life. The next day I’m certain that no one likes me, I’m terrible, and I’ll never do anything right. I guess we all have our up days and our down days, but I think I get like this because I just can’t seem to figure myself out. I’m not always sure what I want, and I’m not always sure I’m doing the right things to get what I want. This is never clearer when I think about what I want in a potential partner and how to go about getting into the dating world. I know you were in class that day I was talking with Brandyn and Trent about online dating and how they met their wives. I’ve been seriously considering online dating for awhile now (PS this post has nothing to do with teaching, obviously). My two best friends have been encouraging me to do this. They’ve even gone so far as to offer to buy me a month’s subscription to Match.com or some such website, as a Christmas present, to encourage me to do this. So this has been a topic of discussion. At one point, I was talking about how I was worried I would never find someone who was good enough for me, who would get me, who would be able to put up with how strange I am (and appreciate my weirdness). Then another day I was lamenting the fact that I didn’t really deserve anybody and there was no one I was good enough for. My friend Monica threw up her hands and exasperatedly sighed, “Make up your mind, woman! One day there’s no one good enough for you and the next day you are awful and no one will want you!” She was bringing up a key point about me and my own self-regard: I just can’t seem to make up my mind about myself, and my confidence wavers from super over self-confidence to complete self-deprecation. I can’t seem to find a happy medium. I think this is because for a good portion of my life, my self-esteem was for shit, and as I’m getting older I’m finally feeling more confident in myself and coming to appreciate all the quirky awesome things that make me who I am – but sometimes I just revert back to that silly little girl who had no self-confidence. I’m working on it, and I think that at my core, I do regard myself highly – it’s just easy to slip back into that low self-confidence.